The NBA seems to be experimenting a lot with jerseys this season in a sad and obvious scheme to try and make more money. First it was the awful retina-burning, short-sleeved Christmas Day jerseys and now the NBA is experimenting with nicknames in lieu of last names on the back of players’ jerseys. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this idea, like the new basketball they tried to use in 2006, should be quickly shelved. However, there were some bright spots on the back of jerseys last night. Here are my rankings of the best NBA nicknames used from last night’s Miami Heat/Brooklyn Nets game.
1) J. Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen) - Taken from Allen’s character name, Jesus Shuttlesworth, in Spike Lee’s film He Got Game. If I did not despise Allen so much for being both on the Boston Celtics and Miami Heat, I would actually consider getting a J. Shuttlesworth jersey. This is the only name that appeared in last night’s game that the NBA should consider keeping permanently on the back of a jersey, except for maybe nickname #2 on the list.
2) Tokomotive (Tornike Shengeila) - Out of all the players and all the nicknames you had never heard before, this one wins. I do not care if you have never seen him play or never heard of him before or cannot even pronounce his name. You cannot deny how great that nickname is. Love it.
3) Truth (Paul Pierce) - There is no denying it, he is the real deal. Especially when it comes to the last shot. That’s the truth, Truth.
4) Jet (Jason Terry) - Even better than his nickname is his Jet-like celebration after hitting a three pointer; extending his arms to either side and gliding low. Yes, it is just his initials, but at least it has another meaning.
5) The Big Ticket (Kevin Garnett) - Back when he was on Minnesota, he was the reason you shelled out to buy an overpriced ticket to watch the Timberwolves play. At least he did not go with K.G.
6) King James (LeBron James) - It has been his nickname since high school, has he finally earned it?
7) Birdman (Chris Anderson) - They use his nickname more than his real name. This was no surprise.
8) Moneymase (Roger Mason, Jr.) - Has a nice ring to it but I am not sure how money Roger Mason, Jr. is. I would have liked “Maseface” better.
9) Joker (Reggie Evans) - Not sure where it comes from but apparently it has been his nickname since he was a kid so I approve. At least it was not created for the sake of creating a nickname for the purpose of this game.
10) Sweet Lew (Rashard Lewis) - Do not know why, but I kind of like it. Not sure how much fear it instills in opponents though.
11) Cole Train (Norris Cole) - Pretty cool, but is it supposed to be like a train that runs on coal? Or a shout-out to the musician Coltrane? Or a train that transports Coltrane?
12) Plums (Miles Plumlee) - Seems simple enough. I like it.
13) Double (Alan Anderson) - I am not crazy about it, but I give him a lot of credit for not going with A.A.
14) Rio (Mario Chalmers) - I don’t get it. There has got to be something involving Super Mario that could have been used that would not have been considered copyright infringement. How about “The Italian Plummer”?
15) Battle (Shane Battier) - Again, don’t get it.
16) Dray Live (Andray Blatche) - Once again, don’t get it. How about “The Headache”?
17) B Easy (Michael Beasley) - Beasley needs to take it easy after all the trouble he has gotten into since entering the league in 2008
18) Doc (Joel Anthony) - I’m pretty sure that nickname is already taken...
19) Brooklyn (Brook Lopez) - Not crazy about it. Yes, his first name is Brook and yes, he plays in Brooklyn, but there has to be something better. Kind of gives a new meaning to the idea of playing for the name on the front of the jersey, not the back. Side note: Is he the first player to have the same name on the front and back of his jersey?
20-21) S Dot (Shaun Livingston)/Tee_Y (Tyshawn Taylor) - I do not even know where to begin here, but I would be very surprised if anyone called either of these players by their “nickname.” The underscore is an odd touch from Taylor. And is Livingston going for a Chris Lilley-esque S.mouse kind of thing? However, Livingston had his best game last night since his horrific knee injury seven years ago so I would be OK with him wearing that the rest of the season. Everyone is rooting for that guy.
22-23) D-Will (Deron Williams)/D.Wade (Dwyane Wade) - Not very creative. Wasn’t Wade’s nickname “Flash” once upon a time? That looks much better on the back of a jersey.
24) MT3 (Mirza Teletovic) - It rhymes, that’s it.
25-27) C.B. (Chris Bosh)/U.D. (Udonis Haslem)/G.O. (Greg Oden) - Combining the first letter from your first and last name is pretty weak when it comes to a nickname. For Bosh, how about “The Velociraptor” or “Jurassic Park.” For Oden, “1 Man, No Knees.”
28-29) JJ (Joe Johnson)/JJ (James Jones) - Two JJs in one game? How lazy can the NBA get? “Iso Joe” would have been a better fit for Johnson, although he probably would not have approved.
30) Кириленко (Andrei Kirilenko) - It would be cool to have a Kirilenko jersey with his name spelled in Russian on the back, but he has one of the best nicknames in the NBA: AK47. Maybe the NBA did not want to put a gun name on the back of its jersey, but if you are going to use nicknames then use nicknames, not the foreign spelling of a player’s name. Also, AK47 is one of the few exceptions to the nicknames with initials.
I think Plums should be higher up on this list, it says so much with so little.
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